urban war zones
Friday night, in a valiant effort to tear myself out of my cyclical dysthymia that has recently been onset by my awareness of my impending descent into absolute dereliction, I agreed to go to the Jane Hotel (to my favorite hateful commenter who once called me out for trying to be “high class” by name dropping establishments I hang out in (s/he was referring to...
Day 9 of Unemployment
I wish there was one of those “What My Friends Think I Do, What I Actually Do” meme for being unemployed - I mean, I am positive there is, but my area of expertise on the world wide webs really only spans the cyber stalking and bullying gamut. Find out where your boyfriend (yours. not mine. definitely not mine. i always know where he is) was last night by perusing location and hash...
I had been patiently awaiting jury duty the way normal people patiently await things like things that aren’t jury duty for months. I was supposed to show up at 9am, but I arrived closer to 9:30, because 9am is way too early for me and because I am wild disrespectful of rules and other people’s time. I entered a room full of very sad, mean looking people and had a seat on the floor...
There’s truly no greater evidence of our country’s obsession with mediocrity than the fact that this person has been named the Sexiest Man Alive. Like, who is voting on this? We really gotta pull it together, America. I saw this guy at a party I was at on Halloween (I’m very rich and famous and I was at a Halloween party with a lot of rich and famous people, lest you think I...
"ooh girl, ya silhouette make me wanna light a...
-like, “take up smoking” - in the middle of a SoulCycle class… and then put it out on the body of the instructor of soulcycle, because smoking is awful and what am i even doing starting to smoke when i should be exercising? and because I loathe the instructor of SoulCycle and SoulCycle, the class. No, but seriously. Real talk: SoulCycle is garbage. It is the most dreadful...
Dick wished she had no background, that she was just a girl lost with no address...– Tender is the Night, Fitzgerald
3 shades of crazy
Over the weekend, I bought drugs (not for me and with someone else’s $$$ of course. And by “drugs” I mean “dice”) for the first time in my life from a busboy at a restaurant in some shit town in New Jersey (at some point, unbeknownst to be, we’d crossed state lines; I never meant to leave New York) - which is another story - and the next day, the guy who sold...
It is. But this person is a stranger and not a stranger from the internet (which is safe, obviously) so I gave him my fake name… which is Penelope.
Got no response to this. Still need to watch GIRLS doe. (maybe he hates girls… the show and the people?)
I want to publicly express how grateful I am that I no longer live above this mess. I am, like, really, really grateful. This phenom vid was taken at 7 in the morning and the only thing I’ve heard at 7 in the morning at my new place is NOTHING… BECAUSE I AM SOUND (well, ish) FUCKING ASLEEP in my crib. I live in a 150 sq ft apartment (which is, I am nearly certain, smaller than the...
"it's all so comfortable [...] this sleeping...
I’ve been living in my new apartment for 13 days and Monday night was the first (and only) night I’ve slept here alone. I slept like this which is - as you can see - a bullshit way to sleep. It was barely sleep, it was like a party I wasn’t invited to or made aware of was going on in my body… silently fucking me. The only difference between Monday night and the other...
I’m pretty obsessed with this image for a variety of reasons: One being that this lil bitch (on the left; Mary Kate Olsen) is dating a 42 year old French dude (middle; Olivier Sarkozy). I could do without the French because I’m xenophobic (jk jk, I love everyone) I find the accent inherently smarmy (and do not get me wrong, I LOVE smarmy; I just like the smarminess to come from personality and...
I think things ought to belong to the people that like them” – and then sweeping...– Tender is the Night, Fitzgerald. (apropos)
Found this in a store on W 25th St
I want to cry until someone buys it for me… Is that how you get people to buy things for you? (I tried showing someone this picture and saying, “will you buy this for me? it’s seventy dollars,” but I still don’t have it…)
let me come home
My friend told me that she and a mutual friend were talking about my life and the mutual friend said, about me, “it must be serious because she’s stopped blogging.” First of all, nothing in my life is ever serious. But you will know when something is serious because I’ll be wearing a power suit and enrolling in law school like every other moron I went to...
Texts From Bennett: The Novel
textsfrombennett: I am officially writing/compiling the Texts From Bennett novel! It will be 99% new texts and several very hilarious, epic, stories about my Cousin Bennett. And a few surprises too! Gallery Books / Simon&Schuster Publishing! 2013! I’m embarrassed that I follow this blog and I’m embarrassed that I’m now reblogging something from this blog, but…...
Anonymous asked: happy mothers day . Your mom should have swallowed you.
My friend told me that he texted a girl he slept with (a mere three months ago) asking if she wanted to hang out again (three months later; great guy) and she responded saying she had a boyfriend and they were very happy together. “A boyfriend.” “Happy together.” I’m sorry? She found a person to wife her up. With whom she is HAPPY. In three months. … Did...
I ran into someone I haven’t seen in years the other day and he asked me what was going on and I responded “oh… soooo much” in a weird, affected, sigh-like manner. And I had every intention of beginning to tell this person every minuscule detail of how shitty and frustrating and irritating my life and almost every person (including, and perhaps, most importantly, myself)...
I’m serious, she concluded, speaking from the heart: Don’t let...– marquez, memories of my melancholy whores
Anonymous asked: I love your freckles and your dumb smirk.
The new Norah Jones album →
is fantastic… if you’re into music that goes well with or prefaces mid day naps and melancholy reflections. I am. Deeply. (No, but seriously. It’s great and you can listen to it for free if you click that link because it’s streaming on NPR. So…)
LEAVE US ALONE.
Last week I was in LA. Did you guys know I was in LA? I was. The day before I left, I saw my ex boyfriend on a street. We haven’t spoken in a while and the last time we did he basically told me we couldn’t be friends because he needed a clear definition between our relationship and his current relationship (??? i don’t know, it was something. he said something). I’d...
I am sorry
This is so fucking stupid, but there are tears cascading down my face. I cannot stop laughing.
nobody likes a poor girl. she is just a drag.
Found this book today. AM ALREADY LEARNING SO MUCH:
BREATHE STRETCH SHAKE LET IT GO
For the zero people who have asked, I’m on the Cooler Cleanse and today is Day 1. (and this is a picture of me in a cab with juice 1, because it was clearly very important that I capture my early morning juice induced scowl at inception.) The first three juices (greens, fruit juice, greens) were so delish but the fourth drink, despite its adorable name - “young” coconut water -...
Email to a GF. 9.30.11 In Love. Realization. 3.17.12 Nope.
"When your fickle love gets old, no one will care...
Earlier, while I was waiting on line at Equinox for a kale, lettuce and spinach juice (Important: I’m on a diet because I’m going to LA in two weeks), I turned to my left and saw some dude giving another dude a really long hug. They were hugging for between 45 seconds and a minute… which is a really long time for anyone to be doing anything, let alone hugging, let alone two...
This is the best →
“The only reason a guy is obligated to pay for a woman’s dinner in this day and age is because it’s his turn, it’s her birthday, or because he’s a maître d’ who spilled something on her. Women who feel otherwise are the reason we get paid 89 cents to their dollar.” WORD.
Anonymous asked: When someone decides to do a shitty remake of the movie "American Psycho" w/ a female who pouts too much literally & figuratively, it will be a crime if they don't cast you. I go back to your twitter for ha-ha's and you're as vapid as ever. It's always fascinating to read (again) how unique an event it is that someone looked at your bony ass. I never heard of...
She was a good one all right, she was a good lay but like all lays after the...– Bukowski, Post Office