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Over the weekend, I bought drugs (not for me and with someone else’s $$$ of course. And by “drugs” I mean “dice”) for the first time in my life from a busboy at a restaurant in some shit town in New Jersey (at some point, unbeknownst to be, we’d crossed state lines; I never meant to leave New York) - which is another story - and the next day, the guy who sold the drugs to me sent me the following text message.

(I was with a guy who is not my boyfriend, a person I am sleeping with or a person I am even vaguely interested in sleeping with (also not a person interested in sleeping with me… to cover all bases.))

When I got that text, at first I was like “Ew gross, ugh, what?! Annoying. Leave me alone. Fuck. Now a drug dealer is going to be hitting my phone up.”

And then, as the day went on, I kept aggressively returning to our text convo (which was just that text), and getting progressively more angry and by the day’s end I was so furiously enraged I wanted to respond, letting him know I’m not a cheater and that he was being very presumptuous (and I would have liked to add a middle finger emojii.)

I mean, this dude thought the guy I was with was my boyfriend. He makes mention of this in his text, so it’s not like he saw us, wasn’t sure if we were boyfriend/girlfriend and then sent a casual text trying to hang out. He literally alludes to us being involved and straight up asks if I’m down.

Also, this is coming after a half hour conversation that consisted of him alternating between talking smack about some hobag ex girlfriend he’d broken up with less than 48 hours earlier for reasons of infidelity and trivial suburban bullshit I couldn’t really make sense of and lamenting their break and whining about how he’d probably get back together with her within days… and 12 hours later he’s tryna do her dirty on the sly. HOW YOU GON’ WIN WHEN YOU AIN’T RIGHT WITHIN, BOO?!

Wild disrespectful, my dude. I feel disrespected personally, on behalf of my non-boyfriend AND on behalf of your ex or current girlfriend.

Anyway, I got back to New York; I cooled down. I reread the text for the 97th time and I was like, “hmmm ‘let me see you,’ I like that.”

And now I’m really down. I want to let this dude see me.

What a weird and fascinating way to ask someone to hang out and in the very near future have sex with you. I’m fascinated by it. I am interested in allowing him to see me. I want to show my face and body parts to him.

So, that’s where I’m at: disgust, anger, acceptance. 

WHO GON’ STOP ME, HUH???