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My friend told me that he texted a girl he slept with (a mere three months ago) asking if she wanted to hang out again (three months later; great guy) and she responded saying she had a boyfriend and they were very happy together.

“A boyfriend.”

“Happy together.”

I’m sorry?
She found a person to wife her up.
With whom she is HAPPY.
In three months.

…

Did I miss a class or something?

Is lingerie for hooks or kept women?

Cuz I’ve had boyfriends… and, like, not a boyfriend… but I’ve never worn sexi stuff.

I need to know, because usually I just wear these, and maybe this has been my problem all along.

Please advise.

Just chattin’ with my cousin about what’s been up in my cool life.                          

And, with a friend.

I’m not even tumblin’ this so you feel sorry for me (not that ANYONE would feel sorry for me), I’m dead ass tumblin’ this to boast about my PHENOMENAL skills to repel literally every single person of the opposite sex I come into contact with. I’m not being sarcastic, I’m really truly am not.

I swear.

I was sort of a little bit depressed about this, but now I’m embracing it. I’m the most bawsey bitch when it comes to turning men off.

There are two types of dudes I’ve met since July 2010 - dudes that wanna fuq and basically can’t stand to talk or listen to me and cease communication within a few weeks … and dudes who work construction (who are endlessly in love with me).

I get it I get it… I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: i know y’all just tryna get ya dick sucked (you know…whatever; I’m sorry, I have no manners) but like, everyone is so god damn devious. That is a GREAT thing to want. Be about that, all day, all night. But, be fucking straight about it if that’s what you want.

I’m on a very strict GET A BOYFRIEND (OR DIE TRYIN) trajectory that does NOT involve idly hangin out and hookin up - it involves purposefully hangin out and hookin up, idly laying in bed, kickin it on the weekends and doing the most fun shit (like… sex) and just generally not fucking being single. So, I can’t really afford any distractions.

And I keep accidentally getting distracted. Not “keep” - I mean, there have been like three people in a year and a fuckin’ half, but still. So, there have been a few babes I’ve been interested in babe’n around town with. And we’ll chill for a minute and then they’re just over it before I can even give them a legitimate reason to be over it (and believe me, there are tons!!).

So I don’t even know if I can take credit for being an active participant in this, but I’m going to regardless. Maybe I’m boring or I smell or the eating food thing or not skinnie enough or my hair’s not long enough or, I don’t know, my confidence is too high??? Something. It’s something!!

Whatever it is, It hasn’t failed me yet… Try me - I guarantee complete loss of interest in one month or less.

(The only thing I’m a little embarrassed about is that I wrote the words “No one likes me” but other than that… pretty much chill with putting this information out there.)

This dumb person came up to me last night at the height of my friendly, giving my number out like candy, drunkenness (right before my flailing arms, swaying hips, ignoring everyone drunkenness) and kept telling me how “gorgeous” i was and i kept YELLING in his face “NO!” and he would. not. stop. Seriously, that guy had more adjectives to describe mah beauty than he had fingers and toes and he wanted me to hear all of them.   

When he was done with that fatuous bullshit, he asked me if he could take me out for dinner and I said “gross.”  And i think he thought i was saying gross because i thought he was going to take me to a bad restaurant - HAHAHAHAHAA??? as if. - so he quickly let me know he was going to take me “somewhere nice” and i started to get bored so i yelled into his ear “THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE!!” and he was really drunk so he asked me to repeat myself and I’d already lost the window to tell him I wasn’t interested, so i just said “ok.”

(By the way, my saying “gross” had nothing to do with thinking the restaurant was going to be cheap; it had to do with the fact that having to sit across from someone you aren’t very good friends or completely in love with is one of the most mind numbingly painful experiences. And this guy was a sycophant - Like, I don’t want to go to dinner with ANYONE, let alone someone who thinks I’m pretty and wants to be nice to me (UGH!)- I do not have enough tolerance for earnest compliments; it leaves no room to compulsively obsess about my self worth and whether or not the other person likes me - and that’s a big part of my daily life.
And I know I don’t really have the luxury of turning down dudes’ requests to dine me, given the infrequency of… general physical attraction and interest from the opposite sex, but dinner is the worst. and so am i.
and then, obv, there’s the fact that i would probably have to pay. … so, GROSS! dinner=gross)

Then he asked me what my name was and, as you can see, i said “penelope” (cuz imma bitch) and then he asked for my number and i was JUST about to give it to him because I can’t say “No” and then I remembered Wising Up 2011 so I was like, AH! “Give me yours!”

And I asked his name and he told me and i asked him if it was spelled, “as in T.E or Fishburne” (which- holy fucking shit- can someone deal with that level of excellence for me???) and I’m pretty positive he had no idea what I was talking about, but he spelled his name out (T.E.). And I was thrilled with myself and excited that I did that and would never have to talk to this person again…

AND THEN HE MADE ME TEXT HIM. Right there. He stood over me while I opened a new text and began to write “It’s M-” and then erased the “M” and wrote “Penelope.”

And then his dumbass friend came over to me and said I was beautiful (????!!!! IDK!!!) and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with them; with the two of them. And I was like, WOW I AM THE QUEEN OF Y’ALL’S WORLD…

but “No.”

…and now I have to pray he doesn’t call my phone, hear my voicemail, realize i lied to him about my name, somehow find this blog, read this, find out where i live and kill me. let’s all pray.