I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for my monthly pregnancy test and liver check (via blood test; see above) because… I’m on Accutane.
I didn’t want to talk about it until my skin cleared up enough for it to be like, omg weird. you’re on accutane? but your skin is so clear!! (which is what I (and you should, too) do with anything that is embarrassing: wait until enough time has passed and then you talk about it ad nauseum. See: everything I’ve ever blogged about).
And that time has finally come. So, here:
In October, when the situation was just getting out of control, I walked into this doctor’s office on Fifth Avenue and the doctor pretty much took one look at me, shouted at someone to put me on Accutance, and walked out. He barely even looked at me. He sauntered in, glanced over at me, definitely arbitrarily drew a check on some piece of scrap paper, and said “Ah. Yeah, write her up for Accutane. Give her a laser and get her insurance information” and walked out without saying another word.
Then I got put in a machine that shot blue light (lasers??) at me for about a half an hour and then I moved to another room and a nurse came in to talk to me. She told me I’m not supposed to get pregnant about thirty eight times.
And by “not supposed to,” she meant STRICTLY FORBIDDEN FROM GETTING PREGNANT:
(THAT. is an image that appears on every prepackaged pill of Accutane.)
Like, it is not a joke. I am literally in a relationship with an empty womb. iPledge. I literally pledge. I am a card carrying member of the do not fill this stomach up club:
I’m not allowed to get pregnant because if I were to get pregnant my baby would be ultra fucked up. Like, alien baby, eight heads, no eyes, Benjamin Button, Simon Birch fucked up.
Anyway, this was (months ago) when I was over one year deep into not having had sex (have i mentioned how i recently had sex? yeah, just wanted to point that out again. pretty important), so this conversation happened:
OK. It is very important you do not get preg-
el oh el. I’m not going to get pregnant!!! I haven’t had sex in over a year and trust me, for the past few months it hasn’t been because I haven’t been actively seek-
…Ok? Yeah. It’s very important that you take this seriously. If you were to get pregnant your child would have severe birth defects. anyway [she explains iPledge program. READ ALL ABOUT IT HERE!!] you need two forms of birth control-
Um… This [pointing to my face] is my only form of birth control… do you think anyone wants to sleep with me? [That’s why I was going on Accutane, DUH!]
(Not finding this funny) So, you’re going on the pill. Your second form can be [she reads the list possible birth control methods, beginning with abstinence.]
Hahahaha. Abstinence!! Can I pick that one? [I AM INSUFFERABLE.]
You can’t pick anything. You have to decide what you’re going to do and then you have to do it. And you need two forms. What is your second form of birth control going to be?
This woman could not have been more confused (and I, in hindsight, more embarrassed) about why I was practicing my standup routine in a doctor’s office, but she was equally serious about shutting me the fuck up.
the fact that i have a blog is the most embarrassing thing in my life right now.
it is. it just is.
and consider that some nights i sleep with a pacifier in my mouth. yup. mmhm. didn’t see that one coming, did you?